Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
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