I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
