Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
