Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Randomize
