Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
