also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
