"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
