So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize