I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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