i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
