Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
