please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
