Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
