FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
