there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
