Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
