This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
