her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize