Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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