The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
