he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
