My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
