Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
this boner is exhausting
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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