im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
