I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
sarcasm needs its own font
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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