I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize