dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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