I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
