I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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