I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize