It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
