my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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