He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
