I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
