If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
