Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
