We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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