i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
