Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
