the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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