Just took my morning after pill in the library
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
