I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
