I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
