wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
