I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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