That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I've blown a few things in my day
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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