I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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