you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
