I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
