apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
