Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
