then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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