I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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