its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
