I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
