I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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