Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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