So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
