Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
