My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Are these your boobs on my camera?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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