and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I didn't notice because vodka
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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