Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
